Sunday, May 15, 2011

Being a Good Person

This is going to be one of those more introspective if you are looking for something hilarious...try elsewhere today folks.

For the last month and a half, I've been doing a lot of soul searching and pondering.  A few things have come up in my life that made me stop and think about what it means to be a righteous and good person.  I finally have put to rest and forgiven myself for some past mistakes (that's always the hardest part for me), but now that I have reached a higher level of clarity, I keep seeing things that need tweaking in my life.  I know that I need to look at this as a good thing--a refining and purifying experience that will result in me being a better person, but there are times that I just want a break to be honest.  That's very bad of me to say, but I hope that the day comes soon that I can have a whole day without feeling guilty about something!  I know I'm not perfect, and I'm not asking for that (at least, not yet), but it seems that recently I've been acutely aware of my faults and frustrated that they all seem really hard to fix.  As soon as I figure one thing out, hours later I am plunged right into another thing that I need to deal with to feel like I can breathe easy.

I know that I'm not the only person that has felt this way, and I'm sure I'll get through it, but I just wanted to put my thoughts out there so that I could move on.  Thanks for listening.

On a much lighter note, I am so proud of Jordan for finishing this last semester with STRAIGHT A's!! Atta baby!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Fear Conquered

Deep, contented sigh.  :)  So, over the last couple of weeks, I've been giving my brain a serious course in memorization and cramming.  Its good for it, and I had no choice.

After Sleeping Beauty closed, I took a nice break where I did just normal day to day things...very low stress.  Of course, that didn't last long, nor did I really want it to if I am being honest with myself.  Let's face it:  if I'm not busy, I'm bored and depressed and no fun at all.

So, cue the craziness.  I agreed to do a number of things in a short amount of time:
1) Perform in a showcase for a new production company--memorize 45 minutes of music in one week (btw I was singing Second soprano).

2) Choreograph said showcase.

3) In that same week, shadow my choreographer friend and help her teach 200 high school choir students a Bollywood routine to Jai Ho.

4) Audition for the Southwest Shakespeare Company.

Now, numbers 1-3 were all fun, and though stressful at times, all in my total control and comfort zone.
Number 4 was not.  Here is something some of you may not know about me:  i HATE doing monologues. Seriously, hate.  Now, I know that I'm an actress and performer and I do that kind of stuff all the time, but monologues are different than acting in a show.  I mean, in their very nature, they are awkward and unnatural.  NOBODY talks to themselves in such complete sentences for that long.  nobody.  So when I decided to challenge myself and audition for Shakespeare, I must have been out of my mind.  I mean, these are the mothers of all monologues. The pressure to do one right is astounding.  Not to mention, I have never done a Shakespeare play before.  Who's to say I won't embarrass myself completely?

As soon as I scheduled an audition time, I started making plans to cancel it.  I was too nervous.  Who did I think I was?  Emma Thompson?  Please.  I am a pretty good singer, who can act alright and do some dance moves.  But a serious Shakespearean actor?  I think not.

I frantically called, texted, and emailed my friend Jere, who does tons of this stuff to help me find some monologues and coach me on them.  I was SO NERVOUS I was planning on backing out last minute.  But then Jere said he had already told the director I was coming and talked me up.  Great.  More pressure and no out.  But he did help me understand the language better, so that is a plus.

So I busted my but preparing these things.  I said them over and over and over.  Jordan probably thought I was  a crazy person.  So cue this last Friday.  The Audition.

All afternoon, I had been cleaning the afore-mentioned High school choir's dances and to be honest, a few of the freshman had made me crazy.  Seriously.  I wanted nothing more than to get out of there--so leaving for the audition was actually welcome.  I got there early and no one was there so they shooed me right in.  I didn't even have time to be nervous!  I did both of my monologues without any mistakes and the director told me he'd definitely be considering me for stuff.  Whew!

Now what?  I wait.  Here's the weird part.  All I wanted was to successfully complete a Shakespearean audition.  Check.  But to do an actual part in a play?  WHOA.  Way too much pressure.